Three legs of a healthy relationship

Warning!  This will not by a typical Momginerd blog with lots of sarcasm and humor, but I do still think it has a lot of good messages to share.

When my relationships start to falter,  I spend a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong and why.  I came up with an analogy to a 3-legged stool that I think are the basics of a healthy, long term, and happy relationship. 



When you just don't
care enough to care

Emotional:  You need to have an emotional connection to your partner.  By this, I mean you need to feel about your partner's happiness, in many ways, more than you do about your own.  If your partner is unhappy, then you will be too.  If your partner is happy then you feel better as well.  When you have an emotional connection with someone it is almost like you are linked metaphysically.  Their emotions have a direct effect on your own.  By having the emotional connection to each other you are more in tune in many ways to the non-verbal cues that they are offering.  When you don't have that connection, you are clueless as to how they feel and it can lead to feelings of apathy towards each other.  When you feel apathetic towards your partner, I think, it is the beginning of the end.  You have lost all emotional connection and you just don't care enough anymore to try and get it back. 

Physical:  Well, this one should be pretty self-explanatory.  You MUST be attracted to your partner.  And by attracted I mean more than just the feelings of lust you have at the beginning of a relationship.  Sure, that is physical and is important, but it really doesn't last if there aren't more things you find are attractive about your partner than the color of their eyes or hair or if they have an incredible body.  To me the physical goes beyond the immediate lust to the little things that makes my partner irresistible to me.  The twinkle in his eye when he gets my jokes.  The smile that he reserves ONLY for me that tells me in one instant I am the woman for him, he loves and adores me despite my numerous flaws.  But, at the end of the day a partner's actual physical appearance from afar isn't the most important thing to me. 

Intellectual:  By intellectual I do not mean to imply that your partner needs to have an IQ above 140, or even that both partners have to have matching intelligence and educational levels.  I mean that you have to be able to connect with your partner in an intellectual way.  You need to be able to communicate your feelings/thoughts/issues/problems in a way you can both understand.  If you can't have a conversation about a topic you care about with your partner, then it is very difficult to accomplish many other tasks in a relationship.  Intellectual compatibility is SO important when it comes to family decisions on how to raise your children, how to manage finances, and long term goal planning.  You don't have to AGREE, you just have to be able to value the differences and see them as strengths. I believe there has to be a coming of the minds so that when one has an important issue that the other one understands exactly what the issue is and that you work as a partnership to fix the problem.  Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in the concept of a "perfect couple." Most have  had bad relationships in the past and I believe you have to put the utmost importance on communication.  There will be certain topics (Ex's, kids, politics) that you may not see eye to eye, but, a true partnership works to find and accept the good in both the things you agree on and, more so, the ones you disagree on.  Take the time to LISTEN actively, and you may find sound logic for your partner's positions.   

Intellectual compatibility is also tied with empathy towards each other.  Empathy only comes when one can truly understand how and why their partner feels certain ways about different topics.  My personal cross to bear is making sure that I place the same value on my partners issues/concerns as he does.  For example,  I am used to doing 1000 different things per day, most of them all at the same time.  On the other hand, a potential partner may like to accomplish one task and move on to the next.  I have to be cognizant of how my partner may think and not add to his stress by constant bitching and offering up "solutions" to what I perceive as his issues.  You see, to him this may not be an issue it is just who he is as a person.  And yes, it probably would drive me nuts and I may have to take a step back and realize he is the sum of all of the things I love about him, not just the pieces I want to change. 

I 100% believe that when a relationship has all three legs, and all three are strong, that the relationship can last a life-time.  When you are missing one of the legs, or that part of the relationship breaks, you end up either living in an apathetic relationship or you go your separate ways.

This is my goal, a love to last a lifetime

Like I said, I am not a relationship expert, and I don't even play on on TV, however this is how I feel and think.  What do you think?  Am I off base?  What have been your past experiences?

Leave a comment and let me know!

Until next time (which will be funnier, I promise),
Nic