Three legs of a healthy relationship

Warning!  This will not by a typical Momginerd blog with lots of sarcasm and humor, but I do still think it has a lot of good messages to share.

When my relationships start to falter,  I spend a lot of time reflecting on what went wrong and why.  I came up with an analogy to a 3-legged stool that I think are the basics of a healthy, long term, and happy relationship. 



When you just don't
care enough to care

Emotional:  You need to have an emotional connection to your partner.  By this, I mean you need to feel about your partner's happiness, in many ways, more than you do about your own.  If your partner is unhappy, then you will be too.  If your partner is happy then you feel better as well.  When you have an emotional connection with someone it is almost like you are linked metaphysically.  Their emotions have a direct effect on your own.  By having the emotional connection to each other you are more in tune in many ways to the non-verbal cues that they are offering.  When you don't have that connection, you are clueless as to how they feel and it can lead to feelings of apathy towards each other.  When you feel apathetic towards your partner, I think, it is the beginning of the end.  You have lost all emotional connection and you just don't care enough anymore to try and get it back. 

Physical:  Well, this one should be pretty self-explanatory.  You MUST be attracted to your partner.  And by attracted I mean more than just the feelings of lust you have at the beginning of a relationship.  Sure, that is physical and is important, but it really doesn't last if there aren't more things you find are attractive about your partner than the color of their eyes or hair or if they have an incredible body.  To me the physical goes beyond the immediate lust to the little things that makes my partner irresistible to me.  The twinkle in his eye when he gets my jokes.  The smile that he reserves ONLY for me that tells me in one instant I am the woman for him, he loves and adores me despite my numerous flaws.  But, at the end of the day a partner's actual physical appearance from afar isn't the most important thing to me. 

Making divorce with kids involved work....sort of.....

Lately I have been getting a few questions from colleagues and friends as to just how I make my divorce work.  And eventhought Divorce and Making Things Work seems to be dichotomus, I thought I'd share some of the strategies that I have chosen to use and, thankfully, Ex follows along (if only he was so ammendable when we were married!).

1.  Keep the kids first

Whenever I am deciding on a schedule change for the kids, personal decisions relating to my career, vacations, meal planning, etc I ALWAYS think of the kids first.  If this change or decision would add undue stress to their schedules of lives, I just do not do it, or I change my plans.  Even though I am remarried, HH is perfectly clear and understanding that the kids come first, and he, poor soul is a distant 4th.  



2.  Communicate, communicate, communicate




We use ALL these and more to keep
try and keep in touch, it seems.

Ex and I communicate every.single.mother.furking.day.  Seriously!  We either text, phone or email daily updates about the kids at least once a day.  Some days, it seems like I talk to my Ex more than I talk to HH.  I will admit, when we were in the process of getting divorced this communication wasn't always pleasant or positive.  It took time, energy, patience and dedication to strategy #1 for us both to make it work.  I automatically forward every email/text I receive dealing with any of the kids school/social/athletic events.  I will also Text and/or call Ex to REMIND him of events and exactly what is required for said event (special shirt, $$, gear, etc).  It takes a lot of time, energy and patience, but it makes #1 work better...at the end of the day my mantra is "It is for the kids, if they are happy, I am happy."



3.  Agree to disagree

Ex and I definitely have different ideas on raising kids, morals, religion, etc.  If we didn't then we most likely would not be Exes.  We finally came to a point about 6 months after our divorce was finalized that we agreed to disagree.  This means that sometimes he makes decisions I don't agree with (like having a babysitter for the kids almost every weekend he has them), but I do my best to keep my $.02 to myself about his decisions.  He does the same for me, although he has little to complain about since I am so perfect ;-).