Giving birth does NOT make you a mother!

This is not going to be my usual informative or quirky post.  I recently went through an emotional trauma, and need to voice my rant.  If you are offended, I will apologize in advance.  If you are moved, saddened, irate, etc, then I hope it moves you to be more aware that you should be kind to all, for everyone is suffering their own battles.  This is also the hardest post I have ever written, since I have made it my policy to not bare myself emotionally naked to anyone. 

My birth mother died 3 weeks ago today.  She was never a "mother" to me.  She was guilty of atrocities that in today's society would warrant her losing parental rights and perhaps even being charged with neglect/abuse.  This post is not about MY history of abuse.  It is about breaking the chain and putting on your big girl or boy underwear and moving on.  It is not easy....not by a very long shot.  Everyone can't do it either, I know this and I accept that fact.  I consider myself one of the LUCKY people.  I have always had a brain that divided everything up into "logical" and "illogical."  Sometimes, that made it even harder to deal with.  I mean, what little girl doesn't want her mommy to love her? To buy her Christmas or Birthday Presents? To hear the words "I am proud of you?"  Those are things I never received from my birth mother....and now, the little girl who still resides way deep inside her armoured house has to deal with the fact she never will.  But, the "logical" part of my brain accepted and embraced that I was better off without her in my life.  I have a wonderful life with a loving Partner, and 3 talented, beautiful, and kind children.  Am I perfect? No, I am far from it...I do know that I have some lasting psychological damage from my early childhood that I fight daily...I am insecure, defensive and hold people at arm's length.  I strive daily to overcome these, and frankly, I believe that almost everyone who KNOWS me would be surprised to hear about the circumstances of my childhood. 

I firmly believe I was saved because SHE did manage to give me up to my Dad when I was 8.  This must have been a huge thing for her....not because she harboured of any love for me, but because of the money she lost from child support.  I am sure that could have purchased her a lot of booze and drugs, because heaven knows she never spent a cent of it on me when she did have custody.  She made the decision that she wanted to run off somewhere (Alaska, I think), so she gave up custody to my dad.  Thankfully, my dad was, and is, a wonderful person.  He was hard and had extraordinary expectations of me, but I know it was because he was fearful that I may become a lot like Her.  And truthfully, I am still unsure of if he even knows everything that SHE did to me when I was with her.  She would threaten me with even worse torture if she ever found out I told anyone.  And I believed her....who was I to not?  She was my supposed "mother" after all.

Unfortunately, the circumstances of HER death were horrific.  She was murdered by a 23 year old drug addict in her own bedroom.  Because of these circumstances, the police and DA from her area have found and contacted me as her "next of kin."  I find this very ironic, because honestly, if you would have asked me 4 weeks ago where she was or if she was alive, I would have had no clue or care.  In my mind, she was dead to me over 20 years ago when she dropped off the face of the earth.  Now, however, I have had to deal with the police, the morgue, the coroner, HER family (most of whom never attempted to contact me either), the mortuary, the victims of violent crimes task force, and best of all the damn media...all over a person who didn't give two shits about me. You cannot imagine the awkwardness of the conversations with these people who are looking for information, of which I have none.  Hell, I think I only have 1 or 2 pictures of her and they were from when I was an infant.   

The DA even mentioned that I may be subpoenaed for his trial.  I couldn't keep the sarcasm out of my voice when I asked "as a witness for the defence or the prosecution?"  I had to honestly tell him that any testimony he received from me would most likely not garner any sympathy for HER from the jury.  I told him that I want justice, as I would for any stranger who died in those circumstances, but that as far as personal investment in the case, I would give it as much effort as she gave to being a mother to me.  I somehow do not think I will be subpoenaed any time soon.  Yes, this sounds harsh, but I have worked hard to have a "normal" life, and more importantly to create normalcy for my precious children...none of whom she ever even saw a picture of and probably didn't know existed...just like they don't know about her.  I will continue to work hard to protect them from her and her "family" for as long as I live.  My kids deserve happiness and the confidence gained by being loved unconditionally, and not to be like me and always waiting for HER words of "You are a ugly horrible person and no one will ever love you" to come true in my life. 

At the end of the day, I firmly believe I have thus far lived my life in a way to make my DAD proud.  I KNOW that when I die, people will not be fighting over who HAS to take care of my remains, and I will not be a burden that no one wants to shoulder.  My epitaph will hopefully read:  Here lies a woman who brought joy, love and humor into the lives she touched.  And, hopefully, it will be a big party with lots of wine, laughter, and joyous stories of experiences shared and enjoyed. 

So, I guess this turned out to not really be about being a mother, but more about accepting that your past does not have to be the mold for the rest of your life. Accept that it has happened, figure out what works for you, and then move on to become the best authentic person you can.  There will be obstacles in the path, but if you keep you eye on your goals, you can get there....With some help from friends, loved ones, and perhaps a little vino wouldn't hurt either!

Nic

P.S.  If you are one of my wonderful in real life friends, I'd appreciate your discretion about this when I am with my kids. 

Kids say the Darndest Things!

I am sure all kids do this, and I love hearing the stories about how they were coined.  My kids have all made up words that have become part of my family's everyday conversations.  In fact, I have even heard some of my kids friends' parents use some of them on occasion.  Shouldn't my kids get royalties or something?

Here are some of the more stellar words:

1.  Yesternightago - Sometime in the past couple of days.  Manudo coined this when she was about 2 years old.  She would use it to recall some event that had occurred somewhere between 2 - 3 days in the past.  "I took a bath yesternightago, so I must still be clean!"

2.  Mahtato - Some genetic cross between a potato and a tomato.  Princepessa does not like tomatoes, she loves potatoes, but mahtatoes are just okay.  WTF?

3.  Jenky - Something that has a flaw or defect.  "Mom I booted up the computer, but the screen looks jenky."  At this point it was giving us the famed "blue screen of death."

4. Ogrit - Yogurt in a tube, preferably with Shrek on the packaging...lmao.

5.  Aberolli - Like ravioli, but with pesto sauce instead of red sauce.

6. Bombfire - A really BIG bonfire.  Bubbie is always asking us to make a Bombfire in the back yard. 

Of course there are the words that they just plain said wrong growing up too. 

1.  Bubbie called a Truck a Fu*k for about 2 years.

2.  All my kids called spaghetti Pahsghetti.

4.  Bubbie was actually coined by Manudo who instead of calling him her little brother called him her little bubbie and it just stuck!

5.  You don't take a vacation, you go on becation.

6.  Princepessa once told a waitress at a restaurant we stopped at while driving to my parent's house for becation that we were going to see Grammy's Vagina.  We were travelling to Virginia!

What are some of the funny words your kids have made up or mispronounced?  I'd love to see your comments!

Nic

Things overheard by my offspring lately.....

So, as you may be aware, my offspring/demonspawn/trolls/angels/kids (all depending on the day), have had the misfortune to develop my sarcastic sense of humor.  Recently I have overheard them say the following things to each other:

Bubbie to Manudo:  "I am so sorry that it didn't work out with that boy.  I hope you don't become an old lady who cleans houses and has like 90 cats and lives in a creepy house (Manudo is 12, btw)".  After I recovered laughing hysterically, I realized he was referencing the term OLD MAID!  When I asked him why he thought that she would be someone who is old, cleans houses and has a lot of cats, he responded:  "Well she does seem to like cats more than me, and if she treats her boyfriends like she treats me, no one will want her, and she is so much better at cleaning the bathroom than me!"


Bubbie to Princepessa: Hey, did you know you are adopted?
Princepessa:  You are such a liar, I know for a FACT that is not true!
Bubbie:  REALLY? How? 
Princepessa: Mom already has said, 100 times, that if she didn't give birth to me she would have sold me on eBay!

Bubbie: *crickets*

Manudo to Princepessa:  Why are you so annoying?
Princepessa:  Because one day you are going to be grown up and move away, and I am making sure you remember me!
Manudo: Aren't you going to grow up and move away too?

Princepessa: No, why would I?  Mom is here to cook all my meals, drive me everywhere, and clean up all my stuff!

Princepessa to me:  Can I have some bacon?

Me:  Sure, why do you want some now? (It was 1:00 PM)

Princepessa:  Bacon makes all the world's troubles go away!

Me to Bubbie:  Get in here and pick up this mess, NOW! (after the 3rd nicer request)

Bubbie:  Meow!

Me:  Who are you saying "Meow" to? Me?

Bubbie: Because you said it first! (I am now thinking I have stepped into some Laurel and Hardy routine)

Me:  No I didn't!  I said clean up your mess NOW!

Bubbie:  Meow

Me:  What are you doing?  Go clean your room!

Bubbie: Stop saying for me to clean my room "meow" because you know I can't resist meowing back when I hear a cat.

Me: Jesus Christ!  Just go clean your room THIS INSTANT, please.

Bubbie:  My name is NOT Jesus, I thought you would have known that by now, mom.

Me:  You have until the count of 3, 1! 2!

Bubbie:  sounds of muttering accompanied by opening of drawers.

Me to spawn:  What is the matter with you guys?  Do you need written instructions on how to change the toilet paper roll when it is empty?

Manudo:  Only if it has a flow chart and pictures, please. 

Me:  GRRRRRRRRRRR

What gems have you overheard lately? 

Nic

Household items I would rather sell my children for than live without (not really, but maybe somedays)

Since I have been in "list mode" lately, I decided to add just one more (for today...shut it, I like lists).

Here is a list of my favorite gadgets that are not games/phones/etc, or battery operated and no this isn't a post about B.O.B.s!...let's step UP to the gutter folks!

1.  Rice Cooker.  We LOVE rice.  Brown Rice, Basmati Rice, Jasmine Rice, Spanish Rice...they all are in regular rotation in our menus.  In the past, I found making rice on the stove top to be hit or miss.  Sometimes the rice would come out okay, but most of the time it was either too mushy or too dry.  I purchased a Rice Cooker a few years back and now we have PERFECT rice every single time.  You can do other things with the rice cooker, like steam veggies and the like, but I use mine for cooking rice...duh. 

2.  Pressure Cooker.  I grew up with the sound of the pressure cooker hissing in my mom and mamaw's kitchens.  Older versions have this counter-weight you put on the pressure valve, and when the pot reaches pressure the valve swings back and forth making a sound similar to the sound of cicadas in the Summer...anyway, I have a newer version and it saves so much time cooking.  You can cook a pot of green beans in literally 5 minutes!  You can make a whole pot roast in less than 30!  It is a working and/or just busy parent's savior.  One of the added benefits of the pressure cooker is you use very little water when cooking veggies/meats so that means many of the good flavors and vitamins are locked in via the steam pressure.  Roasts come out fork tender...I kid you not!  It does take some getting used to, because I am a pot-peeker.  I like to open the lid, sample, and peek at what is cooking.  You have to learn to TRUST the pressure cooker, there is no peeking or opening the lid to check it out. 

3.  Trampoline.  YES I know how unsafe they are...yadda, yadda, yadda.  I also know that my kids saved up their money for a whole YEAR and paid for 75% of the trampoline.  It is used within sight of an adult and with rules.  We also researched (you are shocked I know) and found the "safest" one we could buy.  It is not the $150 special, trust me.  Anyway, my kids LOVE the trampoline.  They have had it for about a year now and have spent countless HOURS jumping away.  They get lots of good cardio, and mommy gets to drink her wine and watch them...just kidding...sometimes I don't watch them. 

4. DVR.  I adore my DVR.  There are some shows (Have you checked out Duck Dynasty or An Idiot Abroad?...hilarious), that I really enjoy watching.  I am also very busy running mom's taxi service, so I don't really have a lot of time to watch said TV.  So, I rely on my DVR.  It is also awesome for recording kid appropriate shows, although mine is usually so full of episodes of Game of Thrones, True Blood and other things there isn't room for kid shows.  Hottie Husband and I will usually pick a Sunday every few weeks and call Pajama Day.  We all keep our jammies on all day, eat breakfast food and get caught up on our shows.  I call Pajama Day a day in HEAVEN! The bestest feature of all on the DVR is you can fast forward through commercials, so you can watch an hour show in about 42 minutes!

5.  Whirly Pop.   This is a stove top popcorn popper with a paddle in it that you spin to keep the popcorn from burning.  I can't stand microwave popcorn, and this makes the most awesomist popcorn.  This thing should be plated in gold and given an award.  I kid you not!  I got mine from an Amish store many years ago, but I now see they are readily available from Amazon.com and other places.  We have a local popcorn distributor and if we are feeling really gourmet, we will go there and buy different types of popcorn (did you know they have BLUE popcorn, and popcorn with no hulls?). 

6. Kitchen Aid Stand Mixer.  I cook a lot.  I looked through the calendar and in the last 60 days we have gone out or had take out only 3 times.  Cooking is almost like therapy for me.  Unfortunately, with working full time and running Mom's Taxi Service as a second job, I do not have as much time in the kitchen as I'd like.  So, I love my stand mixer because it does a lot of the work for me.  I have the meat grinding, pasta making, and slicing attachments.  I can get an indentured servant (kid) to do the grinding/slicing/kneading while I am doing something else towards the meal preparation.  When we remodeled our Kitchen (see remodel from Hell parts 1, 2, 3), I took the measurements of my mixer with me when working with the designer.  I had to be SURE that my mixer would fit exactly where I wanted it on my counter top.

7.  Keurig.  OMG, the only thing that keeps me going is coffee.  The Keurig makes the BEST coffee I have ever had.  It even has a timer on it, so the water is ready to brew my first cup of awesomeness as soon as I come down the stairs in the mornings.  I do not even miss what used to be my almost daily trip through the Starbucks or Big B coffee stands anymore.  As a bonus, I have more money to spend on k-cups and get to work 15 minutes earlier every day!

Until next time,
Nic

P.S. Did you know there is a Momginerd FaceBook page?  Also, some of my best sarcasm can be found on my Pinterest!

My Favorite "Time Fillers"

I have the sort of job where it is either running at full tilt in a total panic....or waiting.  I have to say I much prefer the panic days as the work hours go by much more quickly.  Unfortunately, there are periods of waiting for a purchase order or similar that can last a week or longer.  During those periods, I try to do work related research...but, honestly I also spend time on some of my favorite time filler websites and aps.  Since I started using my iPhone, I have found that there are really cool time-fillers in the form of Aps and Games.  I am not putting the ususal suspects like FaceBook or Twitter, but more of the places/Aps I personally like that may be new to you.

Here they are, in no particular order (again, lists rule my life)

1. Angry Birds:  Pretty much any version of this game will suck me in and make me beg one of my children to defeat a level for me.  Lately, I have been on the Angry Birds Space edition.  It is SO awesome because you have to take into consideration the orbit and gravity.   

2.  Sh*t My Kids Have Ruined: This is a website dedicated to users uploading pictures of items in their households their children have either destroyed, ruined, or added some artistic flavor to with their permanent markers.  This website is definitely not to be used as a parenting manual, but it has some truly epic parenting FAILS that will make you laugh till you pee on yourself (okay, maybe not YOU but I have had 3 kids so don't judge).



I am sure the dog didn't mind...NOT



3.  Regretsy:  Oh my Maude, if you can look at some of the craptastic stuff on this site and not go WHUCK? Your brain is made of different stuff than mine.  This site puts up REAL items that are for sale by Etsy or eBay that truly show how some people will call anything Art.  Even what looks to me like a bunch of melted wax vaguely resembling a nose with light bulbs for boogers.  The biggest shocker is this was SOLD to someone.  Who, what, where....I don't even think I want to know the type of person that would put a light bulb booger blowing nose up in their house.  I am sure someone in that house is instructing it to put the lotion on.....

4.  Go Away:  This is a blog by David Thorne.  This blog will make you laugh until you cry.  He basically makes it his mission to use sarcasm and wit to annoy his co-workers.  Please be sure to check out his post called "Missing Missy."  I love that post so much that I actually read it aloud to my department and showed the pictures....Unfortunately, they really didn't understand what I was saying because I was laughing so hard my words were unintelligible!

5.  Pinterest:  They need to call it CRACKerest, because it is that addictive.   I have the mobile ap for my phone, a "Pin it" button on all my browsers, and check in on my pins or pin something almost as much as I check my FB account.  It is an invite only type thing, but they aren't too picky (obviously since I got an account) on who they let in....if you need an invite leave me a comment and I can send one to you.  It really isn't only a waste of time, because I use it almost like a virtual post-it note.  If I am looking for ideas for my garden, I will pin the picture to refer to later....same goes with recipes to try, places I'd like to travel, etc.... If you have never been to this site, please consider this your warning to check out a 12 step program prior to becoming addicted ;-).

6. Damn you auto correct:  I have to put a disclaimer that this is not an at work time filler.  Big Brother blocks it, and it is a good thing, because most of these contain strong adult language.  However, it is SO funny.  I don't even care if they are all fake, I enjoy them just for the laughs.  Anyone who has ever had a smartphone and likes to text has been the victim of autocorrect.  Personally, my autocorrect kept turning the my Hottie Husband's name into the word Tuna, so now his poor kids are known as the Tunas in our house (not to their faces, but as in "what time are you picking up the tunas?").

7.  Words With Friends:  LOVE this ap on my iPhone which is also linked to my FaceBook account.  It is scrabble that you can play with your friends (duh!).  I usually have 6 - 8 games going simultaneously and have learned so many new words that I just thought I made up, but were actually REAL words!  Did you know that "Metope" is a REAL word, and not just a cool way to use the letter P (turns out it is an architectual term for the distance between 2 tryglyphs...now I want to use tryglyphs in Words With Friends!)?

What are some of your favorite time fillers?  Not that I need another addiction, but I am always on the look out for a great laugh!

Until next time....you can follow me on Pinterest, Twitter and check out my Momginerd FaceBook page!
Nic

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