Stop and THINK before you post!

Warning, this is a rant post.  If you are here today for some humor, you will most likely be disappointed.  Granted, there may be snippets of sarcasm, but this is a subject matter that is serious and deserves a serious post.

Recently I posted a link to a YouTube video of a very pretty, talented and sad girl named Amanda Todd on my Facebook page.  Since then (and NO I am not taking credit for the blow up, lol, I am sure it was coincidental), there has been a lot of discussion about this young lady and her tragic story which ultimately led to her suicide.  Her story has gone viral, and I see at least 30 - 40 people re-posting either the original video or links to a page dedicated to her on my oldest daughter's Facebook page.  Does this girl deserve to be remembered?  YES!  Does my heart break for her? ABSOLUTELY!  Do I think she could have avoided what happened if she had the ability to think of consequences? Maybe.  I urge us all to look at the entire story and the circumstances that went into what led to her ultimate decision to take her own life. Use this not only as a lesson about what impact there is when a child is bullied, but as a lesson to teach our children that there are consequences for their digital actions. Stop and THINK before you post!

I am CONSTANTLY telling Manudo to think not once, not twice, not three times, but 100 times before posting a photo of herself on any of the multitude of social networking sites to which she currently belongs.  The list includes: Twitter, Facebook, GifBoom, Skype, Instagram, etc.  Some of these give the false impression that if you post something, decide it is inappropriate or you don't like it, that you can choose to edit or remove the content.  I have news for you: Once something is on the Internet, it is there FOREVER.    All it takes is for one person to save that image to their personal computer and repost it...just like what happened in Amanda's case.

If you have kids in the 12 - 17 age range, I am sure that they have at least a Facebook page.  My challenge to you is to log into your child's Facebook page (and if you don't have access to your minor child's page, then shame on you), and look at what they are posting, Instant Messaging, and HIDING from you.  Also, look at what their so called friends are posting.  I will guarantee you that you will find any number of inappropriate posts/pictures/comments that will make you want to wash your eyes out with bleach.  On my daughter's feed I have seen "friends" calling each other: Gay, Homo, Loser, Ugly, Bitch, Slut, Dick, Asshole, Stupid, Thug, Retard, Nigga', Butt Buddy, Fat, Anorexic, Pimple Faced, the list goes on and on and on.  Seriously, if you have "friends" who do this to you what would your enemies be saying?  What is even more disturbing to me, as a mother, is the way that girls and boys are constantly "pimping" themselves out there by asking for "rates" on their photos.  Some will take multiple photos daily and post them to the site.  Not even an hour will go by  and they post they are depressed because their photo didn't get as many "likes" or comments as they felt necessary to make them feel like a worthwhile human beings.  I have seen 12 and 13 year old girls posting pictures of their "cleavage", full length bikini pictures (with the caption, do I look fat?), pictures of their asses, and sexually suggestive photos of themselves.  I have seen 12 and 13 year old girls posting about liking sex, wanting to "blow" someone, and pictures of themselves kissing and making out.  Whatever happened to the saying "Pretty is as Pretty Does?"  And the girls aren't alone, boys are doing just as inappropriate texting/posting/etc.

I was very surprised, and impressed, when one of my daughter's friends posted this picture:

BOTH stories are sad, but, could one have ended differently if they thought about the consequences of their actions?  Bullying is a very serious issue.  I also know I have been guilty of thinking "Well, I was bullied as a kid, and I grew up and was fine."  However, kids who are bullied today face the fact that their torment is documented and shared virally, while the rest of us older than 20 only had to make it through the day at school.  These poor kids are stalked in ways we can only imagine.  It makes me nauseated to just think of it, and even more ill to think of how I would handle it if my child was the target of such bullying as Amanda or any number of other children who are just trying to fit in today.

All I know is I am and WILL monitor my children's social media until they are 18.  Our deal is if you want access to these sites, you have to give me your log-in information.  Same rule applies to cell phones and texting.  It isn't because I am nosy and do not respect my kids privacy, it is because I am their mother and my first job is to protect them, not FRIEND them.

Rant over.  I am sure many of you disagree, but if you think I made any valid points, please talk to your kids and better yet, share this post with your friends.

Tragedy.......

My community has experienced a tradgedy.  One of our own has taken his own life.  He left behind a wonderful family including a lovely wife and 5 children.  This has affected me in many ways, and forced me to take a good long look in the mirror.  Why?, you may be asking.  My answer is because it is very easy to be irate and sad.  Instead, I am forcing myself to try and look to the positive.  I know this sounds so very contradictory, but if I allow myself to wallow in the negative feelings, it is easy to ascertain that I too will become depressed and in a negative mind frame....Oh, don't get me wrong.  I was there.  I was SO very angry for survivors of this tragedy.  But, I decided that my anger is misguided.  I need to do something to help, because my anger is not going to make this family's struggles any easier.  This family is going to have a very difficult struggle not just emotionally, but financially as well. 

I went to the memorial service, and I believe this is where my focus began to change from anger to empathy and compassion.  There were SO many people there all there to support the family.  There were children, parents, family, friends, clergy, teachers, principals, acquaintances and even strangers.  All there to let this family know that WE will not desert them.  There were donation cards for a trust set up for the children's education, and when I went through the line, almost all of the envelopes were gone!  I am part of a group that are gathering our collective financial and experintial resources to assist the family in getting their home in order.  They were in the middle of a major remodel that the husband was doing himself.  The remaining family does not have the skills nor resources to complete the job, and I would guess they will not be able to afford to pay a contractor.  So, we are gathering money, construction materials and people with experience to go and get the house at least livable.  It is a small thing in the grand scheme, but to me, as a mom, having a HOME to live in that is safe and welcoming is an important part of helping this family to heal. 

I am proud of my community.  Let's face it, I live in a major metropolitan area, and many of us do not even know the names of the people who live in our neighborhood.  Yet, in the face of a tragedy we all came together and took joy in the fact that the family seems to be doing okay, given the circumstances.  Also, when a tragedy like th is happens, it has an effect on everyone. 

 This family is admired by all who have ever had the good fortune to meet any of them. The children are all gifted in thier own ways, but mostly in their ready smiles, politeness, and uniqueness that has inspired others.  Their mother is a saint, I mean, would't you have to be to have 5 well adjusted, well mannered, educationally successful kids?  But, if nothing else I have learned that how people appear to casual acquaintences, and maybe even to close friends, is not how people really are behind the closed doors of their homes.  All I know is that he was not in his right mind.  I knew him as a very loving father, dedicated worker and compassionate partner to his wife...not the type of person who would take his own life.  It is so very sad that it took a tragedy to bond us together.   We all need to realize that the phrase "one never knows" is so very true.  You may THINK you know, but at the end of the day, we are all cluelessly going on with our lives and hoping we are doing more good than harm.



Stages of Grief



This tragedy has opened my eyes to look at people differently, and I think it has had a similar effect on many other people as well.  All of us who knew this family are greiving in our own way, but none more than the family.  As much as we all want to help, sometimes our ideas of helping are not that helpful.  I ran into the mother at the grocery store and she commented to me that everyone is trying to be so helpful, but she needed to go to the grocery on her own because it was "something normal."  And I felt guilty, because I was immediately angry for her that she had to go to the store!  Talk about opening my eyes, and I am ashamed it took the person most connected to the tragedy to point out to me that for her doing something "normal" is how she is coping.  Everyone experiences grief and healing differently, and it is not for us to judge.  We need to accept and support, but never ever judge, because at the end of the day, you really do not know HOW you would react to an event of this magnitude unless you have lived the person's life. 

So, I am going to focus on being empathetic and not being angry.  If I happen upon any of the family, I will greet them in the same manner I always have, and IF any of them want to talk, hug, joke around, whatever, I will gladly join in without judgement for how they are grieving.  Grief is personal, pain is subjective, and healing is individualized.

Until next time,
Nic