Thursday, September 13, 2012

Anxiety....Why do things have to come out?

We all have anxieties or things that make us feel anxious.  I have quite a few, but none are as embarrassing as my fear of things that come out of the human body.

One of my biggest ones is lutropublicaphobia (OMG, I want to use that in words with friends so bad).  This is the fear of "going" in public restrooms.  I really don't have a problem with using a public is I just freak out a bit if ANYONE else happens to be in said restroom.  AND, I get uber-panicked if I don't have to just pee.

My favorite type of bathroom...NO stalls!
There have been more instances than I can ever count when I have to "go" so I head to my work restroom.  All the while I am PRAYING and talking to myself that there PLEASE not be ANYONE in there when I open the door.  Most of the time, if some poor soul has had the gall to actually use MY bathroom, I will simply leave and then stalk the door waiting for them to leave.    

Nothing is worse than having a "taco bell syndrome" day....and I have those frequently due to side-effects of my medications.  I mean, how do you call in to work and say you can't come in because you have to poop a lot that day?  Think my boss would be sympathetic?  My male boss who actually PEES standing up right next to other people???????  I think not.

My fear of bodily functions extends itself to pretty much anything coming out of a body that isn't words.  I have never passed gas in the presence of Hottie Husband (okay, maybe that one time when I sneezed, and I was mortified!).  I try to not burp or belch either.  I realize that this is not "normal," but I can't help myself.  

I pretty much have issues with anything that comes out of anyone's body, unless it is a baby.  For example, my kids are at the age where they are losing teeth.  It grosses me out so much when those teeth are wiggling and the kids are SO damn proud.  I just want to put a bag over their heads until the damn thing is gone and I don't have to look at it any more.  

One time Manudo had a VERY loose tooth that really bothering her.  She couldn't get it out and was in tears begging me to help her.  I took a shot of vodka, sat her on the toilet, straddled her, reached in, pulled out the tooth, then immediately got light headed.  As soon as I regained consciousness, I was running all over the house holding that damn tooth like it was an Olympic torch and I just won the Gold Medal of parenting.  
Yeah Muthafracker! I pulled that tooth!

I also have problems with snot and boogers.  This one time (not at band camp), I had a friend who had kids the same ages as mine.  We used to have playdates frequently....until that one fateful day.  We were at my house and her son, who we will call Lizard, was playing with Bubbie.  All was well, and the mommies were having nice discussions about whose kid was smarter (duh, MINE), when I happened to glance over to where the boys were playing.  Lizard was sitting there playing with Legos when I noticed he had some snot about to drip.  I turned to mention it to Lizard's Mom and offer her a Kleenex, when Lizard calmly stuck out his tongue and stuck it UP HIS NOSE to lick away the snot......I swear I am not exaggerating when I say I screamed and threw up in my mouth.  Needless to say, I was suddenly very busy when Lizard wanted to have more playdates.  
Like this but UP HIS NOSE!!!!!

So, do you have any anxieties?  Do they inhibit you in any way?  How WEIRD am I?


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1 comment:

  1. Love it :)
    I prefer to be the only person in a bathroom of stalls, and at work I have a stall I will use, and others I will not :)


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